* Is violence in movies and sex on TV *
* But where are those good old-fashioned values *
* On which we used to rely? *
* Lucky there's a family guy *
* Lucky there's a man who positively can do *
* All the things that make us *
* Laugh and cry *
* He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! *
ANNOUNCER (on TV): And now our feature presentation,
Lawrence of Arabia, presented in its original
Ulta-Cinemascope letterbox format.
(music theme plays)
LOIS: Well, I can't see anything.
STEWIE: Who's the rather attractive girl on the camel?
BRIAN: That's Peter O'Toole.
PETER: You film buffs might enjoy this.
Both his first and last names are slang for "penis."
We interrupt this program to bring you exciting news.
Family Feud will be coming to Quahog.
Auditions are being held tomorrow at the Civic Center.
Family Feud's coming to Quahog?
Peter, we should try out.
A family can win $5,000 on that show.
$5,000?
I could get that cave for the front yard I've always wanted,
and then tell people not to go in there.
(kids laughing)
Hey, you kids stay out of that cave!
You don't know what's in there!
(sighs) Money well spent.
We're looking for fun, interesting families
that viewers will want to watch.
You folks have any interesting stories?
Lois, tell him about the whole stitches thing
when Chris was born. Never mind, I'll tell it.
Lois was so wrecked, they had to sew her up
and open up a new vagina right next to the first one.
You know, kinda like when they build a new bridge
next to the old bridge, and you're like,
"Wow, I can't believe I used to use the old one.
Looks so unsafe."
All right, enough clowning around.
Let's talk turkey. We want to play the Feud.
Well, you're in luck.
The other family we've chosen has three daughters,
so we're picking you because you have three sons.
But I'm not... Shut up, Greg.
(Family Feud theme song playing)
ANNOUNCER: It's time for the Family Feud.
Introducing the Callaghan Family.
Ready for action.
And the Griffin Family.
On your marks, let's start...
the Family Feud!
With the star of Family Feud...
Richard Dawson!
Thank you. Thank you very much.
Ah, you're lovely.
I haven't heard that much applause
since Bob Crane premiered his home movies in my closet.
(Peter laughs)
All right, let's play the Feud.
* * (applause)
100 people surveyed, top four answers on the board.
Here's the question:
Name something you find in your bathroom.
(buzzer)
A sink.
Show us "sink!"
(bell rings)
Peter, three answers on the board that can beat that.
Name something you find in your bathroom.
Find in your bathroom. Find in your bathroom.
Richard, I'm going to go with "fetus in the toilet bowl."
Show us "fetus in the toilet bowl!"
(bell rings, applause)
Play or pass? We're going to play.
Oh, this must be your lovely wife.
(chuckling): Oh, uh-uh.
I've been waiting for this for years.
(moaning)
Okay, Lois, name something you find in your bathroom.
Okay, how about "bathtub?"
(bell rings)
(all cheering)
Okay, name something you find in your bathroom.
Um...
a razor blade and a note?
(bell rings)
(all cheering)
* *
Name something you'd like to receive as a gift.
Candy?
Show me "candy!"
(buzzer)
(audience sighs)
Wait. We're out?
But you said if I slept with you... All right, Griffins,
here's your chance to win the game!
Name something you'd like to receive as a gift.
Groceries! Assorted lotions!
An Uzi! A dead squirrel! Money!
All right, good answer, good answer! Yeah, money!
Oh, very good! Good answer! There you go! There you go!
Well, Richard, my family seems to think money's the way to go.
So I'm gonna go with the flute
that Captain Picard played, first in his imagination
and then in real life, in the episode "The Inner Light"
from Star Trek: The Next Generation.
What?! No, you idiot! We said "money!"
Show me "Picard's flute!"
(bell rings)
(all cheering)
Peter, how did you...? I was in the survey.
Can you believe it? We're going to the bonus round!
* *
(applause)
Okay, Lois. 15 seconds on the clock.
Name something you sit in.
A chair. My own feces.
Name a popular fruit.
Orange. Clay Aiken.
Something in your closet.
Shoes. Scary monsters.
Your favorite holiday.
Christmas. 9/11.
Something you do on the weekends.
Go to church. Black guys.
(bell rings, applause)
All right, "Something you sit in."
You said "chair."
Survey said...
(bell rings)
Wait a sec. I said "feces."
Where's my answer?
Oh, you're just going to pretend I'm not here, huh?
Just like Robin Williams' agent pretends he's still funny.
(rings) Hello?
Hey, Phil, it's Robin Williams.
(laughs) That's hilarious!
I just wanted to make sure the meeting is still on for 2:30 tomorrow.
Otherwise I gotta go to that Chinese dentist.
Get it? 2:30?
(laughs)
You son of a bitch, I had a mouth full of coffee.
God, you are funny, and that is real!
Okay, Peter, Lois did great.
You only need one point to win the $5,000.
20 seconds.
Name something you sit in.
Chair. (buzzer)
Try again. Big chair.
(buzzer) No, that's the same thing.
Try again. High chair.
That's still a chair.
Chair. Say something other than "chair."
What if I can't think anything?
You can pass. How do I pass?
Just say it. Say what?
Say "pass."
Chair. (buzzer)
Oh, I'm sorry. Your time is up,
and you didn't score enough points.
But thank you for playing.
Whoa, what, that's it? We lose?
I'm afraid so, but we enjoyed having you here.
You son of a bitch, what about my cave in the yard?
What about my cave in the yard?!
Get your hands off me.
I served in the fictitious military.
Peter! Oh, my God, are you all right?
What happened?
Where am I?
Who are you? I'm Lois.
Lois who?
Who the hell am I?
Uh-oh.
Mrs. Griffin, I'm afraid your husband has amnesia.
Oh, my God, is it permanent?
Well, there's no telling for sure.
His memory could return in days, weeks,
years, or never.
Or weeks.
Peter, I want you to meet your family.
You're... my family?
That's right.
These are your children.
Dad, I'm Chris.
I-I'm your son.
Never seen you before in my life.
Wow, then I must be invisible!
Hey, everybody, I'm invisible!
HERBERT: Oh, no, you're not!
Hot diggity!
This is Meg, your daughter.
D'oh!
No, Peter, that's not your catchphrase.
Oh.
Sorry, I just don't remember anything.
Dad, this is your baby and your dog.
Ooh, he doesn't remember us.
It's an opportunity to come up with our own names.
I'm Tomax and this is Xamot.
We're twins who can feel eachther's pain.
Ow! No, Brian,
I'm supposed to say "ow!"
You ruin everything!
Ow.
All right, Peter, we're going to try to jog your memory
with some old videotapes of the family.
Boy, you got a lot of tapes here.
I kinda want to watch some of these instead.
Pretty Woman? What's that?
It's just a movie from the '80s.
Oh, my God, we gotta watch this.
Look what they're saying about it.
"As funny as it is touching! Gene Shalit."
"I stood up and cheered, 'Go, Julia, go!'
Joel Siegel."
"This movie made me laugh so hard I had mild headaches.
"So I went to the doctor and got myself checked out.
I'm currently awaiting results. Gene Siskel."
Everyone seems to love this. We gotta watch it!
We'll watch it later, Peter.
I want to show you one of the most special times
of your life and mine: our honeymoon.
LOIS: I think you've had enough, Peter.
(slurring): Oh, you don't know...
Get away. I-I know my body better than you!
Is that... us?
Yes, Peter.
You were so handsome
and it was such a wonderful week.
Hey, buddy, I think that girl likes me.
Of course she does. She's your wife.
Do you like her?
I don't know.
(squeals, laughs)
(sighs)
You know, this isn't going to be easy, you guys.
We're going to have to re-teach your father
everything he's forgotten.
Hey, have you heard this awesome new song?
No!
* A well, a bird, bird, bird *
* B-bird's the word *
* A well, a bird, bird, bird *
* B-bird's the word, a well, a...*
This is called a telephone, Peter.
You use it to talk to people who aren't in the house.
There are others?
Yes, there are over six billion people in the world.
Here, I'll show you.
We'll call my parents.
CARTER: Hello?
Hello.
Who's this? Who's this?
Carter. Who's this?
I don't know.
Do you have my OxyContin? What?
Are you the guy? I'm a guy.
I want my drugs.
What are drugs?
I don't think this is the call I was expecting.
(hangs up)
Now, Peter, this is your silverware.
You see, this is your fork.
And this is a knife.
That's not a knife.
That's a knife.
This is also a knife.
Oh.
Well, I'll be on m' way.
I want to see more of him, and then suddenly none of him.
Forever.
(tires squealing, screeching)
All right, you know what?
This is not working.
If you're going to learn to drive,
you're going to have to practice first.
Here, play "Grand Theft Auto" for eight hours,
and then we'll give it another try.
(tires squealing)
So, you guys are my best friends,
and this is where we hang out?
That's right.
I'm Quagmire, and this is Joe.
So, what do we do here?
Well, we usually come here, you buy us drinks
and tell us what Loi'' nipples look like,
like you always do.
Giggity-giggity.
Yeah, but first, you usually go over there
and pull down that blonde waitress's top.
(woman screams)
(loud slap)
She screamed, so I had to slap her.
Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy.
Get nude. Get nude. Please get nude.
Peter, you don't have to spy on me.
You're my husband.
Come on in.
Oh, boy, no fooling?
Oh, boy!
Wait a minute.
Something's happening in my pants.
In the front this time.
That's all right, Peter.
It just means you're excited.
That's the way it's supposed to be
between a husband and wife.
It means you want to make love.
But I forget how to make love.
Shh, shh, shh, shh.
That's okay.
I'll show you.
Just follow my lead.
* It feels like the first time *
* It feels like the very first time... *
(moaning)
Wow! That was what they call sex?
Yes, it was, Peter.
Can we do it again?
Huh? Huh? Can we?
Wow!
You're as excited as a porcupine meeting a pineapple.
Hey, good-looking, where have you been all my life?
(laughs)
Morning, nice people who I still don't know your names
and who mean nothing to me.
Well, I certainly hope that doesn't apply to me,
especially after last night.
You got a point there, hot stuff.
And if sex with the rest of you
is half as good as it was with her,
then I think we're all gonna get along just fine.
Yay!
Well, no, no, Peter, you can't have sex with the kids.
Well, I wish you'd told him that before he lost his memory.
(gasps)
It was a joke!
I was just making a joke.
That's your sense of humor?
I was just kidding. God!
Meg, that's awful.
Geez, you open your mouth for a joke once,
and that's what you come up with?
That's messed up, Meg.
I was just trying to be funny.
That wasn't funny. That was just dark.
Yeah, that's your father.
Oh, get out, Meg!
Get out of the kitchen!
Go on! Get out! Out! Out! Out!
Out of the kitchen! Go on!
Get out of here!
(laughs)
Oh, Peter, there you are.
I've been waiting.
You ready to have sex?
You bet.
Move over so Tiffany and I have room.
What?! Who the hell is she?
She's the woman I'm gonna have sex with tonight.
Oh, and don't worry about getting me pregnant.
I'm already pregnant.
Peter, what's the matter with you?
You can't just have sex with some random woman.
Why the hell not?
Because we're married.
Well, I'm sorry,
but I don't remember marrying anybody.
Why the hell would I commit to having sex with one person
for the rest of my life?
Because we love each other.
That's part of being a family.
It means being responsible and faithful.
Well, that doesn't sound very fun.
Well, if that's how you feel,
then-then we no longer have a family.
Boy, I'm glad you said it.
But this is my house, and I'm not going anywhere.
You don't have to.
I'm leaving, and I'm taking the kids with me.
That's a beautiful necklace you're wearing, Tiffany.
Thank you.
Is that what you do with your Saved By the Bell money?
Mom, I don't want to live in a tiny, gross apartment.
Well, I'm sorry, honey, but we don't have a choice.
Your father doesn't remember his life,
and he doesn't want us to be a part of it,
so we've just got to move on.
Oh, this is disgusting.
I shouldn't be here.
A baby doesn't belong in the inner city
any more than a baby belongs on a plane.
(crying)
Shh. It's gonna be okay.
Gonna be okay.
WOMAN (over P.A.): Our in-flight movie this evening is Hancock.
Waa! Waa!
(rock music plays loudly)
Peter, what the hell is all this?
Well, I'm a bachelor,
so I invited a bunch of people over,
and now I'm waiting for them to leave.
That's what bachelors do.
Peter, I'm interested in the redhead
with the wooden arms and legs over there.
You think you could introduce me?
That's a table, Seamus. Don't point at her.
Don't point. She's looking.
Oh, great. Now I got to go in.
Hey, I'm Seamus.
Peter, you left your family for this?
Look, I don't know what I was doing before,
but this is the way man was meant to live.
I just know it.
Check it out.
(moaning)
Don't you miss your family?
What, that lady and those kids?
I don't even remember 'em. How could I miss them?
I almost don't want to ask you out
because I know you're gonna say no.
You want to go out?
No? Okay.
(to Jaws theme): * Giggity *
* Gi-gi, gi-gi, gi-gi, gi-gi *
* Gi-gi, gi-gi, gi-gi, gi-gi, gi-gi *
* Gi-gi, gi-gi *
* Gi-gi, gi-gi, gi-gi *
* Gi-gi, gi-gi, gi-gi, giggity! *
Lois! Oh, my gosh. Hi!
Oh, hi, Quagmire.
What a surprise.
I know, right?
Gosh, you know, I was just picking up a couple hams
to take down to the shelter, and here I run into you,
buying food to make dinner for your husband.
No, actually, Glenn, maybe you haven't heard,
but, uh, Peter and I aren't together anymore.
What?! Why?!
Oh, it's a long story.
You don't want to hear about it.
Oh, shut your face.
I want to hear all about it.
But listen, you know, I got all this shopping to do,
so you want to stop by tomorrow night?
I'll just whip something up.
Well, sure.
You know, that sounds nice, Glenn.
Holy smokes, this is a sure thing.
Like the end of a Mexican wedding.
(applause)
(cheering)
Aw, crap, we're out of milk.
I'm gonna run next door to the airport and get some.
Hey, when you're over there, can you get some rodent traps?
We got a giant mutant rat living under the sink.
I'm just gonna hide under the sink
till y'all go to sleep.
Then I'm gonna come out and make my poops in your Kix.
Hey, Stewie, is Lois back yet?
I've been trying to get a hold of her.
She went to Quagmire's for dinner.
What?!
Oh, that was a delicious dinner, Glenn.
I didn't know you could cook.
Well, when a fella's been alone as long as I have,
he learns to take care of himself.
Well, you're a very sweet friend,
and you're so good to listen to my troubles.
Oh, I could listen for hours, Lois.
Phew! Boy, you know,
I don't know how a half a glass of wine got me so lightheaded.
I better lie down.
You want me to help you upstairs?
Oh, my God, you are a saint!
No, I-I think I can make it from here. I-I...
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
(both laughing)
Whoops!
Professor Klutz, the doctor is in.
(laughs)
Oh, where is this heading?
Oh, hiya, Brian.
All right, Peter, now I know
your head is still a blank slate,
but you got to listen to me when I say...
Wait. Did you just call me Brian?
Oh, yeah.
You've got your memory back? Uh-huh.
Happened yesterday on my way back from the grocery store.
Hi, Peter.
Hey, you just snubbed me in front of my own house.
I thought we'd come to an understanding.
Look, fella, I don't know who you are and I don't want to,
so why don't you just go back to your crabgrass?
This happens to be fresh Marathon Sod!
Oh, man, I just got my memory back.
And as I recall, I don't really care for you!
Wait a minute. Who are you?
Hey, I know you!
What's your beef, stranger?
Well, if it isn't my old nemesis!
I was just lucky he had an odd number of objects.
Why the hell didn't you tell anybody?
Well, I figured I could enjoy the bachelor life
for a few more days before getting Lois back.
Well, you may have waited too long already.
Lois is on a date with Quagmire,
and you've got to stop her before something happens.
What?! Oh, my God! Where is she?
She's next door at his house.
And you better get there quick,
because with Quagmire, sex is inevitable.
Like a fat guy ordering dessert
when everyone else wants to leave.
So, does anyone want dessert?
Ah, I couldn't eat another bite.
No. I got to get home for the sitter.
I'll have the soufflÃ©.
That takes 45 minutes.
That's okay.
Oh, I can't believe we're doing this,
but I got to say, it feels kind of right.
I know, it's so weird, right?
I mean, it's... I mean, it's, like, fast.
I mean, it's fast, but it feels, like, okay, you know?
I mean, like, isn't that crazy?
It's like this adventure that we're having together.
I know. That's exactly how I feel.
I mean, it's a little strange,
but if Peter's never coming back to me,
it's at least nice to know
I'm in the arms of a trusted friend.
You... You trust me?
Uh-oh.
Wha...? Is something wrong?
I-I-I don't know.
I'll be right back.
(rhythmic whooshing)
Damn it!
Lois!
Peter?!
What-What are you doing here?
I got my memory back, and I love you, Lois.
I want you and the kids back.
I want our old life back.
(Lois laughs)
I don't believe it!
Sweetheart, it's you!
You're back!
QUAGMIRE: Oh! Damn it!
I'm back, Lois, and I'm sorry.
I treated you so badly, but I hope you know
it-it was only because I wasn't myself.
I didn't just lose my memory.
I lost my mind.
Clear!
(electrical buzzing)
Damn it!
Oh, my God, Peter, I don't care!
I don't care.
I'm just overjoyed to have you back!
Let's go home!
(electrical buzzing)
QUAGMIRE: Damn it!
(buzzing) Damn it.